10 Tips For Successful Co-Parenting In Colorado
Family splits are the hardest when children are involved - the divorce or separation just becomes so much more emotionally and practically challenging to navigate. Part of that challenge is co-parenting. Regardless of how well you get along with your children’s other parent, it’s extremely important heading into a split that you realize what role they’re going to play in your and your children’s lives so you can set proper expectations and plan ahead.
What that role will be exactly will depend on your unique circumstances, but generally, the state of Colorado wants both parents equally (as much as possible) invested in their children’s day-to-day activities and care. There is much research that has been done to back up the truth that successful co-parenting is in any child’s best interest; unless, of course, there is a safety threat to the child by one parent who struggles with addiction, emotional or sexual abuse, or violent tendencies.
The realities of co-parenting can be really hard, particularly if you fight a lot with the other parent or aren’t on great terms with them. Here are 10 tips for successful co-parenting to consider that might make the journey ahead easier!
1 - Practice The Golden Rule
Treat your children’s other parent like you want them to treat you. That’s it - it’s that simple. (Most of the other tips on this list are encompassed in this one, most important philosophy!) Now, we’re not saying it’s easy, and it obviously doesn’t guarantee that you’re going to receive good treatment from the other parent in return or that conflict won’t still occur, but if you are consistently able to consider the other parent’s point of view, and treat them with the respect that you want them to show you, then you’re going to set a great example for them and for your children. Even if it doesn’t start out amicably, following the golden rule can lead to better relations down the road. It can also illuminate areas where you are not being treated fairly that may be necessary to address with the help of legal professionals.
2 - Don’t Badmouth Them To The Kids
No matter how contentious the relationship between you and the other parent is, work hard to avoid making negative comments about the child’s other parent in front of your children or directly to your children. Research has shown that this actually can lead to emotional and psychological distress in kids (and even young teens). It makes them feel like they have to choose sides and hurts their feelings, and this can lead to low self-esteem and even substance abuse or eating disorders later on in life. Legally speaking, if you are constantly badmouthing the other parent, that can give them grounds to modify the custody arrangement or parenting plan, and a judge may be more likely to rule in their favor. It’s a lose-lose on all sides. Remember and practice another important “rule” - if you can’t say anything nice, better to say nothing at all!
3 - Set Ground Rules For Communication
From the beginning, if you and the other parent work together to lay ground rules for how you will communicate (phone call? text message? email?), when you will communicate (how long before a requested change in schedule, etc.), and how you will talk about things in front of the kids (hopefully, respectfully and calmly), then you will be much better prepared going forward. Both of you will know what to expect from the other parent and what is expected of you. If you have these ground rules in writing somewhere, even better!
4 - Set Up Regular Check-Ins
This is especially true if the children primarily live with one parent for the majority of the week/month, or if they are going out of town on a family vacation with one parent’s side, or during the holidays. A regular time where the other parent is able to call the children, or where YOU are able to send pictures or updates regarding your children, can make a huge difference for everyone. The other parent (and you, when the roles are reversed!) won’t feel left out or shut out of the children’s lives even if they are not physically present.
5 - Give Updates If Something Changes; Be Flexible When Possible
This goes along with a general successful co-parenting guideline of “be an effective communicator”, but kids’ lives (and your own!) can be unpredictable. Even if you and the other parent have planned out details to a T, unexpected events may occur and you may need to either ask for or grant an adjustment to the schedule/agreement. The best way to handle these changes gracefully is to communicate as soon as possible and work together to come up with a solution. If you are on the receiving end of a reasonable request, try to be understanding and flexible (again, the golden rule!).
6 - Plan Ahead
You can’t always do anything about unexpected events that necessitate changes to the usual flow of things, but if there is something you can plan for, you should! For example, if you know that you are about to enter into a busy season at work where you may be expected to work longer hours, or your children are entering into sport season where they’ll have late game nights, or you planned a vacation with your children, then you can work together with the other parent to make adjustments ahead of time and make the transition into those seasons or events easier!
7 - Abide By Guidelines That Have Previously Been Set
This is a big one for successful co-parenting - practically speaking, co-parenting will be easier if you do everything in your power to follow the guidelines that have been approved by the family court in your custody arrangement or parenting plan, and legally, you are required to do so anyway. For example, if your parenting plan involves making decisions together, no matter how much you may feel like you are in the right or how small the decision is, you need to consult the other parent before taking action.
8 - Listen To Them About Your Children
If the parent comes to you with concerns about your children, or wants to talk about something related to them, rather than waiting for a chance to interject or object, listen to what they are really saying so you can respond and work through the issue together. You are not the sole parent, and you are not with your children all the time anymore. It may be that the children are acting a certain way around the other parent that you are not seeing, or they are exhibiting concerning behaviors that the other parent has picked up on, or someone like a teacher or coach communicated something to the other parent. Be grateful that the other parent is sharing with you and take the opportunity to work together in the best interests of your children!
9 - Try To Assume The Best About Them & Have Empathy
When you assume the best about the child’s other parent - that they are a good parent who wants what is best for the kids, just like you do - it makes successful co-parenting much smoother. Don’t villainize them unnecessarily just because you two have a complex history. Of course, if there is a pattern of abusive or neglectful behavior, you should be on your guard and that should be addressed, but most parents aren’t perfect and are just trying to give their kids a good life. Assume that about your co-parent, give them the same amount of parenting grace you give yourself, and it will make all interactions much more productive!
10 - Seek Help When It’s Hard
Successful co-parenting is a learning curve, and it’s a steep one! It’s always best to have the assistance of professionals who understand that and who can help you or you both develop better strategies. Seeing a counselor, seeking mediation, or consulting with custody lawyers may be your best option if you and the other parent just can’t get along!
At New Leaf Family, we are here for families navigating transitions like custody long after the paperwork is signed. Our Colorado coaches, counselors, and attorneys have the experience and knowledge necessary to empower you to make the right decisions! Call today to schedule a free consultation and learn how we can serve you and your children.